It isn't often that I find the type of peace and tranquility that stays with me for a very long time, however when I find a version that has some longevity I am grateful. It has been awhile since I have had the where-with-all to put words down in a string of sentences that would be uplifting or helpful lately. And yet today I am sitting outside in my back yard with my dog lying in the grass and my garden to the right of the picnic table where I have laid my laptop and I am truly feeling the appreciation that warrants a few moments of written words strung together in a few sentences to hopefully bring smiles to a few of your faces. I find that lately life is a series of puzzles and word games that I am to ponder if I am to understand the current events in my life. These puzzles are not the type that the mind can figure out but are directly related to my heart and soul. The type of content that grips you and says you must learn this lesson and find a way through the darkness so you can be free. These are the moments I dread as they have the unfavorable taste of loss and the grief that accompanies the departure of someone I have loved. Someone who felt like family but upon closer inspection was only a facade made to look like someone who could have been there for the long haul and had integrity. Someone who could have seen the real me who truly loved them without condition and had valued this gift in their life. However the actual situation was one of loving a self serving and narcissistic personality, someone whom I could never receive love from because they never loved themselves and had nothing to give. The sadness of realizing this and the truth of these circumstances was devastating. SO what now says my heart and soul?? What are you going to do with this?? I have forgiven this person at least a dozen times and still I find a level of sadness and anger that is still contained within me. This darkness is part of me now.....as Debbie Ford says in her book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, we must embrace all parts of ourselves to be whole. So it is that I will embrace this, that I will always love and feel a sense of loss and resentment towards this person who entered my life and said a lot of lovely things and yet did not have the ability to back them up with true action. They presented a picture of themselves that was a version they created but not the real whole person.....and when they wanted to be someone else they created a new version and found someone else who fit with that image. I have never quite been so mislead in all my life and my trust and ability to bounce back has been severely compromised. How does one recover from a deep love that was so misplaced and mislead? How can the deception of such a soul be resolved when so much hurt was inflicted and intentions maligned? To recover from such emotional abuse has been a task of monumental proportions. And accessing my darker nature has been necessary to create the boundaries necessary to keep myself protected from further deterioration of my soul's love and trust. So at this point I am sure some of you are wondering where is the part where I get to smile?? Where is the silver lining and the clouds lifting to let in the sunshine?? Well I ask myself this same question and it actually is something simple......the wind blowing in the trees behind me, the soft warmth of this Spring day. The beauty of this moment and the quiet truth in my heart of hearts that says this other soul actually did the best they could.......that through it all they did bring down some walls and let me see their true selves bared in moments of painful sharing where they felt broken and afraid. These were the moments where he showed me a brave and loving man that had the ability to connect to himself and the pain that he had inside. The beauty of his vulnerability was amazing and it was in these moments that I loved him most. Not because he was broken but because he broke through and let someone into that dark place and I felt he trusted me with this gift of seeing his deepest self. I felt in these moments his heart healing and hoped to have a future with him that could be both beautiful and peaceful. But then he would close the door to this pain and to me and to his beautiful heart. And eventually he slipped away to become who he wanted to be and that part of him that I saw was gone. He now has someone new who may or may not be a part of this person inside but I remember that the water will bring him joy as it always does and summer will create distraction as will the moment he has with this beautiful woman. I hope it is enough but fear that the deep and dark places inside of him will get restless and they will want to be heard again. But in this moment I am healing my heart, this very full heart. And the love I shared is still within me and the ability to love again will come.....of that I am sure. So as I forgive and move forward I am reminded of that line from one of my favorite Rumi poems......
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there."
So that is where I will meet this man someday and tell him that he is still loved. So this is a different happy ending. The type of happy ending that leaves the door open in my heart to love and be loved, to be cherished and to cherish. To see the best in myself and the worst and to be at peace with both sides and be whole again. This was the gift of his opening up to me and his closing as well.......and I am grateful for all of it.
May the blessings of nature and her beauty be with you this day and always when ever you need it whether you are blissfully happy or are feeling devastated and lonely. Love to all of you!!
My mission is to help people become more in tune with their own Soul Spirit plus Spirit Teachers and Angelic Guides resulting in clarity and awareness of the Divine that lives within!