Exiting the shrine of my heart into the Sun....

My heart feels like it has been through a trial that I am not totally sure I exactly comprehend and may not until the next lifetime.  People talk about Soulmates and Twin Flames as if it is just another psychological phenomenon as if it is some strange new species of insect someone has just discovered and should be inspected but not really seen close up or even in person.  The abstract and somewhat clinical writings telling us how wonderful and awe-ful these connections can be really don't match the actual experience.  The experience is both transcendent and acutely painful when one soul is backing away and exiting as frequently as they engage.  When one heart has been hurt from life experiences no one should ever have to experience and has lost all hope or trust in love or their heart the result is devastating to both halves of the one soul.  And yet the pain experienced by the one is felt by both and when one is trying desperately to heal the other by opening up their entire soul to the other and the result is less than a triumph and more like a crash and burn both souls are left with a damage unimaginable.  Life becomes a series of tasks and things to do each day that keep the body alive but the soul is quiet, bereft of any happiness that previously existed.  The wrenching apart of Twin Souls, that were originally one Soul, feels much like losing an arm or a leg.  You know you use to have this beautiful and amazing appendage and it served you well and made life easier by it's very presence and felt like a part of you that was always there and when it is gone everything seems to be more difficult to do and much less appealing.  When life hands you these extraordinary love experiences, you think to yourself "Oh I can handle anything!! I got this and whatever life throws at me.....I have my one and only love, anything is possible".  But when one half of the Twin Soul decides they don't want to see it and denies the very existence of this very profound connection mainly because they never fully let themselves feel it or see the beauty in it.  When they see only obstacles in the way of being together because they are afraid of letting themselves feel again and enjoy this connection.  When they feel they do not deserve happiness because of their past, that what they have done does not warrant a happy life they walk through their lives as if they are Sisyphus rolling his boulder up the hill.  And their very breath becomes a task not a joy and they look for things to not work out because after all that is exactly what they deserve. So they create a life full of difficulty and sadness.  When a soul has been darkened by loss and tragedy it is difficult to just stay on the planet.  And when the other soul is full of light and positivity and hope but is constantly told that life is nothing but hard and lonely and sad by the other soul eventually this drives away the other soul who's light has been dimmed and is slowly flickering and threatening to go out.  When this happens both halves or the 2 souls that make up the halves of the Twin Soul connection feel the loss of what could have been the best part of this life.  And the tragic past experienced of the one is now the barometer of happiness for both creating continued sadness.  So walking away for the one soul before their light goes completely out is a necessary choice of survival to continue their mission here on the planet.  And since this is my story I am telling out loud I will continue to get up everyday and move with as much grace as I can to stay true to my mission. The mission to continue to guide and help people even if the one that I would give anything to help and heal was my biggest failure I must continue to not give up hope on everyone else.  And perhaps holding a vision of loving light and healing space for my love from a distance, that this profound connection which brought me moments of incredible joy in a beautiful city by the sea will find forgiveness for himself and although he will not forget what happened perhaps he can allow himself the opportunity for some happiness and joy. This is what I pray for and will always ask the Angles to help him with and never leave his side until he can be at peace.  
So as the days turn warmer and the sun shines and then sets each day and time passes I know I will feel my breathing less labored and the dull ache in my heart a little less pronounced. I know that joy will find me again and my light will become strong again and bright and the reflection in my eyes will not be quite so dark and heavy.  I feel as if I have been opened wide like that night so many years ago.  And like that time after I feel it is time again to close the door for awhile on sharing my life.  Perhaps I am just supposed to experience my own love within without the reflection of this love in the eyes of my Twin Flame.  And while this love was sometimes acutely painful, the joy and love experienced will always be worth the pain.  The recognition in his eyes of who I am to him will always be remembered, all the times we read each others minds and the ability to continue to speak to him without any use of technology will always be the proof of this connection and we will always have next time, the lifetime after this or the one after that.  We will be together someday I know this to be true in the depths of my soul.  We will have another lifetime to greet each other and get to know each other all over again. And like the song "I'll be seeing you" by Billie Holiday, "I will find you in the morning sun and when the night is new, I will be looking at the moon, but I will be seeing you......"
So to all of you who have experienced this profound love and if you have been lucky enough to keep it in your life I am profoundly happy for you and wish you continued joy! And as I trust in the the power that exits in all things I know that all is well and this too shall shift and change to become a beautiful sun filled day.

Love and blessings to all of you.
AnnKathleen